[Ph!GR] He’s lying to you. He’s not reviewing a game at all.

Gee whilikers. First Saturday with the new and improved BaconStripEmpire.com (tell your friends.) and I don’t even have an actual game review since this week is pretty devoid of game video releases. So I figured I’d share some insight on what I can only speculate is the perfect zombie apocalypse survival technique. First things first. If you don’t know anything about zombies, get out. Ok, I forgive you but only because you gave me all that money… Oh, wait.

Ok, education time.

Zambys (Don’t correct me Microsoft, I’mma be using that word a heckuva lot… I’ll also probably use heckuva a lot.) Zambys are the Walking Dead (coincidentally the TV show/book series/virdyo garms that I’ll be basing this heavily off of.) Basically what happens is that some crap happens that no one really knows happened and then a bunch of the Zombsters get let loose on the world and start infecting people. How the Zambelles do this is by either biting or scratching an individual, then that person dies and comes back and gets a serious case of the munchies. So, let me just tell you something real quick, you’re probably not immune so don’t be stupid.

Now, that all sorted out? Good, time for some MLG strats (that’s Major League Gamer Strategies, FYI(that’s For Your Information.)) Here’s how you can survive the zombie apocalypse until it’s over or until you get your face torn off, whichever happens first.


  • Firstly, Zambys are some scary chizz, and they’re pretty freaking disgusting, so don’t judge them because they have a couple pieces of your best friend Randy (Randy will be your companion on this adventure, imagine that he’s either really fat or a total hunk, but he’s covered in tattoos and piercings either way.) hanging out their eating holes.
    • But how does this apply to survival strategies? Well I’ll tell you, you ungrateful little poopoo peepee pants. Zombies are a lot like train wrecks (or your mom. ZING!), you can’t help but look at them, avoid all impulses to make eye contact with your friend, Terry, (any zombie that I reference specifically will be named Terry.) As he’s busy eating your kitten “Fluffles” because you’ll probably freeze up in terror and he’ll notice that you’re a larger, less hairy meal for him to snack on.  There you go, survival.
    • Second, you’ll need something either blunt, sharp, both, or some form of projectile launcher, you can find these almost anywhere. But.
      • Using bullets-go-shootsties all the time is probably a bad idea for at least… meh, three reasons. 1. Bullets aren’t infinite, even on turrets, you CoD fanatics. 2. (I’m going off Walking Dead logic here) loud noises attract them biters and guns is full of the stuff, so you should avoid using one unless it’s like your last resort. 3. You probably suck at aiming… There, now you know about the dangers of running with sciss- Guns.
      • Third, you’re gonna need eats.
        • Ok, yeah, so you get your guns, you get your shelter, you get your toilet, but suddenly you’re just as hungry as Terry over there and Randy’s looking mighty tasty. Don’t resort to cannibalism, I’ve learned that it’s not “socially acceptable” and other children like eating paste or whatever so I should do that. You’re going to need to get some kind of food source that you can keep around for a while without it getting all icky sticky. So, much to my chagrin, no milk or steak, unless you find a farm.
        • Segway! Four. You’re probably going to need a place to stay for the night or for the apocalypse, this is where this guy gets to give some insight (some more insight)
          • I’ve devised this whole survivor thing into two separate groups. “Settlers” and “Wanderers”
            • Settlers- Probably consists of a group of at least 10 people who probably all hate each other. Basically what they do is kind of pick a place and defend it from the brain-eaters, then they fortify it to keep stuff out, then they send a couple people who the vast majority doesn’t like to go out into the closest city and get some supplies.
            • Wanderers- Walk around… that’s it. That’s all they do, they never settle they just keep moving and surviving.
  • There are also some sub categories like the nice people, bandits, and the crazies. Get yourself into the last group, then you’re set.
  • Five. (I was going to write that in another language, but then I realized I can barely speak English…) you’re going to have to make some tough choices. Unless you’re just a supporting character and ol’ main hero over there is being all protagonistic and whining about how he lost his wife and kids, so he has nothing left to live for and you’re just kind of there to survive long enough for him to realize that maybe he still has something to live for and he starts changing his ways so he’s the last man standing on some kind of island off the cost of Paraguay and he forgets your name… But if you’re not then people are going to rely on you.
    • EXAMPLES! Let’s say you and a couple Randy’s come across some guy who was bit by Terry back in that office buildings down the road. You know the one. The one where that hot girl who comes to your hot-dog stand works… She’s probably a zombie now. I know that feel, bro. Anyways, are you going to let this future Terry live? You gonna shoot him or what? You think he’ll live? Don’t shoot him, he might survive. You should shoot him, he’s going to turn. You see, what I’m doing here is role-playing your annoying companions.
    • SIX! Your best weapon is also what zombies want you for… it’s your brain, I wasn’t tricking you.
      • See, maybe you’ll find some kind of item that doesn’t seem like much at the moment. But it turns out that with a little time and effort you can turn that run-down beach home into like a five star resort or some crap like that. Let me example real quick. Let’s say you find a board, ok, yeah, just a board, you can use it to whack a couple heads but it won’t be extremely effective. Let’s pretend you take said board for later, and stumble into some nails. Once you pick the nails out of your body you realize that you could pound them into the board, after breaking your hands, Randy suggests getting a hammer. You use the hammer you picked up earlier (Not because I’m too lazy to write about how you got the hammer but because you have foresight.) to turn a regular ol’ two by four into a regular ol’ two by four with some nails in it. There you go… ingenuity.

And that’s all you really need, follow that advice and you’ll probably stay a Randy and avoid becoming a Terry.


Also… Don’t have sex during a zombie apocalypse… just don’t, never turns out well.

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