[Ph!GR] Assassin’s Creed III


WUZZAT? This joke is getting old? Pfft. I find it funny.

Wuzzat? Saturday? Well, that’s a day of the week.

So, anyways, ASSASSINS CREED 3! Yeah. Yeah. YEAH!

Ahem. Asian Creek Tree came out last week, and I just wanted to actually play the game and experience before reviewing it, and I really wanted to post my Dishonored review so there you have it, that’s my excuse.

Me and Aslan Coupe Tricycle have a Love/Hate (Hove/Late) relationship. I love playing the games, and the games love being played, (if they had emotions) and I really love the stories… until the end.

See, at the end of every Asdf cvbn 3456 the story gets really weird and makes me a little un-easy.  Yeah, ok, a race of super powered humans created regular type humans to be their slaves but then Adam and Eve found an apple and most of the super humans died but some are still alive in vaults all around the world that contain Pieces of Eden that the Templars need so the Assassins have to kill them and get alla Pieces for themselves. Yeah, seems legit…

Before I start, let me just give you a little tip in game design, from me to you. You cannot change your main characters appearance throughout your game series. That’s a no-no, you can change their clothes, sure, that’s realistic, but you can’t change their faces… Unless Desmond gets plastic surgery every twenty minutes.

So, let’s just stop all this poop and jump right on top of what I assume will start off really cool and then get really weird and leave nothing but questioning looks from this guy right here (I’m pointing at myself, in case you didn’t know.)

Air Conditioner 1983 centres around Desmond Miles, who might be the most racially mixed person on the face of the planet. He’s part Arabic, part Italian, and part Native. I don’t know how many parts someone can be, but he’s probably close to the max. Anyways, it’s sometime in October in the year 2012, not right now, it’s sometime in November, and apparently that whole December 21 thing is gonna go down, so alla Assassins need to get alla apples before alla Templars do, that’s where Desmond comes in, he has the right genes or jeans, depending on how you look at it, and these genes allow him to use apples to their most powers or some crap… I honestly don’t care about Desmond, he has a stupid name, and his face keeps changing. What I care about is what his ancestors do.

Damon can relive the lives of his ancestors using a machine called the Animus, so in Aagh… 3 he jumps into the shoes of Connor a half-American half-aborigine. And he kills people. All the time, not just on Thursdays. He could learn a thing or two from Corvo. (He’s a pretty nice guy.) Assassins Creed 3 (Cause I’m just too lazy to write anything else again.) takes place during the American Revolution, ‘MURICA!


The game doesn’t start off with Desmond experiencing Connors life, Dalek starts off living the life of Connors papa, Haymitch- (oh crap, now everyone knows I read the Hunger Games) Haytham Kenway, who basically kills people, like father like son… the opening scene of Dungeon and Dragon’s adventure in the Animus is him reliving Haytham killing some guy during an opera in Britain… Then it takes him around thirty minutes to get to where everybody wants him to get… AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! YEAH! Then he does some stuff, Benjamin Franklin tells him about something that happened one time and story happens. After a while you get to play as Connor, it takes him a couple hours to actually become an assassin but once he does the story really picks up and you eventually get caught up in the middle of the you know thing, that America did that made it America. What do they call it? I can’t be bothered with specifics.

Let me just say something, this game plays amazing, every aspect of gameplay is streamlined for your benefit and it all in all feels real good. They made Connor move “Naturally” or whatever so when you’re walking straight and push the control stick a little to the left he’ll take the next step closer to the left, which means, if you time it right, you can make Connor look completely drunk, which may have added another two hours to my completion time. Ubisoft also made combat a lot more smoothly-ish-a-ma-bob by taking a couple pages (like almost everybody else) from Arkham Asylums book, but the combat is actually a little more involved. See, once you counter an enemy’s attack, time slows down allowing you to either push him around, take his hurty stick, cut him up, or bust a cap, instead of just knocking him around a little bit like Batman does.

I desperately wanted to find a fault with this game, because if I can’t find at least one fault in a game then I feel like I’m one kind of stupid who likes everything that has flashing lights and stabbing, and it took me about thirty hours to figure it out… It’s complicated, they over complicated your assassin management, how you make income and navigation in general. (but that’s not a good enough reason) there’s also too much, after I spent around two hours doing missions solely in Boston, I checked my map and I couldn’t even find myself, there were about two billion million icons telling me where side quests and assassination contracts were and I felt a little overwhelmed. Also sometimes I lose my sword and have to get it back… So there`s that.

Let`s talk Multi-player… yeah it`s got multiplayer.

I genuinely enjoy the multiplayer, it requires something I think modern gamers have lost sight of… what do they call it? Oh… right, skill. It’s not just running around shooting at infants, it’s far more complex and actually a lot of fun. My favorite example is this game type called “Assassination” where you don’t have a designated target and you just kind of wander around looking for someone who you think is up to no good in your neighborhood. So you just find a vantage point where you can watch and see. But what’s that got to do with skill? See, you don’t know if any of the characters you see are other players that might want to kill you or that you might want to kill, so you have to watch their behaviour. Is someone walking faster than everybody else? Kill ‘em. Someone running on the rooftops? Kill ‘em. Someone eating a lollipop? Kill ‘em. Someone killing someone? Kill ‘em. It’s actually a heap of fun and totally worth looking at. That being said, I have this game for the Xbax and the multiplayer is on a separate disc… no big deal really, but as a guy I know who’s a total PS3 fanboy once said. “It makes the box heavier”… no really, that’s a pretty good reason, if you have an Xbox you should sell it to get a PS3 before you buy this game, you don’t want to be weighed down by that encumbering box do you? I really made a mistake when I purchased this game, I wish I could go back in time… LIKE DESMOND! YEAH!! AMERICA!!!

At the end of it all Abra Cadabra 3 is hecka fun, and totally worth playing or buying or ignoring, depending on your provocation.  Provocation: Criminal Law . words or conduct leading to killing in hot passion and without deliberation… Ok, so provocation doesn’t mean what I thought it meant. *cough*






Because anybody has yet to pose a question for me, I’m just going to assume that you’re all intimidated by me or you stalk me and know everything about my life… In that case, how do you all hide so well?

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