How do I stealth games?
Phew, I almost died right there. As you may have seen, Calen wrote the previous review before my Borderlands one, he claims it was from my will, but I don’t even know what a Donkey has to do with monkeys or the letters 64 and N. But he did get one thing right, I was indeed near death… but I got better. So I guess I’m going to ruin your day again.
Let’s not beat up the bush and dive right into it. Dishonored is a flirt persona sheath grape that takes place in a steampunk-alternate reality or something that’s as overused as a Kleenex in the sleeve of a 60 year old lady who plays bridge. And centres around Corvo Attano, a man who chooses not to speak or show his face and he wears a hood because he’s getting all the stereotypes out of the way to focus on having supernatural powers. But Corvo has one thing going for him and that is, he is a nice dude.
Only on Thursdays.
Basically in the beginning of the game, it’s all established or whatever that Corvo is working for the Empress of Dunwall, some city in alternate reality Britain(?) Everybody has American accents so, I dunno bout that. Anyways, she’s a nice lady, kinda weird lookin’, she’s got a daughter named Emily who’s all like “Corvo, Corvo, let’s play hide and seek.” And Corvo’s all like “…” And then the assassins that kill the Empress are all like “Hey, we did that.” And Corvo’s all like “…” But he’s really angry about it. Anyways, Corvo gets framed for the murder by the people who actually organized the murder, who were actually her advisors, so they’re kind of douches. I should mention that Corvo was sent around the town or world or universe or something to find a cure for the nasty little plague that’s going around and he shows up two days early, poor guy. So, after that ordeal with the nasty assassins, Corvo ends up in some kind of prison and is broken out by a resistance. Just once I’d like to see a game or movie where the resistance are bad guys. (The Stormcloaks were total douchebags but that’s the closest thing I can think of.) So, Corvo breaks out of the prison, maybe he killed everybody or maybe he didn’t, depends on if it’s a Thursday.
You see, throughout the game, the loading screens constantly remind you that killing people leads to a darker outcome and more plague victims, or “Weepers” as-it-were. So you can theoretically play the entire game without killing a single person, but that’s just stupid. I play video games to do something I can`t do and that`s murder people. Wait… Wuzzat? Corvo can teleport? And he can possess people? Oh, oh. Oooooooooooohhhhh… well, who can’t? Wuzzat? Everybody can’t? ‘s fiction? Well, they make fiction a little too realistic then.
Yes, Corvo has supernatural abilities that he got from the Outsider, who surprisingly doesn’t look at all like what I would imagine a timeless being that can grant magic powers to anyone of his choosing.
Wuzzat? Every timeless being looks like that? Oh dang. I know some timeless beings.
Now, I’mma talk bout teh gaemplaies. The game controls pretty good, Corvo has a nasty habit of doing some vigorous squat thrusts every time he goes near a table, and despite what common knowledge dictates, teleporting from the top of a building to the ground does in fact kill you. (Who needs physics?) And people keep on seeing me when I’m behind something but fail to see me when I’m leaning out from behind a wall two feet in front of something they’re holding two feet behind them.
Wuzzat? That works in real life? Oh, oh hot dang. These are things I gotta try.
All in all, Dishonored is a game heavily grounded in reality and it’s hecka fun, even if it is just a “Thursday Simulation” for people like me. Wuzzat? A rating? Nah, I stopped doing that.
Wuzzat? People like that? Man people are stupid.
On a scale from being stabbed to being strangled, Dishonored gets a lemon… that’s it just a lemon.
Wuzzat? I didn’t talk about the awesome sword fighting? Ah, forget it, people don’t want awesome stuff.
It’s almost been a year! Yayyy… Wuzzat? I’m the only person who cares? Screw that, I’m doing a Q&A You provide the Q`s, I`ll provide the A`s. Here`s what`s gonna happen, either post a comment in the comment section of this review or on the BSE Faucet Brook (Facebook, in case you`re dumb.) and I`ll answer it, as long as it`s in question form. (That means there`s a question mark at the end.(I`ll literally answer any question you pose, to the best of my extent.)) Here, I`ll even give you an example (for the really stupid people who don`t know what a question is.)
Q: Oh great and mighty Phantom of Fishes, please bestow upon us the knowledge of this… (Flattery gets you everywhere.) Where did the name `Phantasic! Game Reviews` come from?
A: Well, this is a question I get asked a lot (by the voices in my head) and it`s actually a seemingly simple answer. I like using `PH` instead of `F` but more importantly, where I got the name. It`s actually a Dead Rising reference, whenever Frank East (wait, West? Screw that noise) takes a picture of some zombies eating people he`ll say `Fantastic` Which I always find hilarious. There, that`s how I got the name and the rights. Thanks Capcom!
Look, I`ll even write your name behind your question if you ask.
Please, I`m begging you.
Show mercy to a poor man. I have a family to feed.