[Ph!GR] Donkey Kong 64

Greetings. Phantum Fish is near death so I, his imaginary friend is or am is going to types what he had in his will. One last game review… unless he gets better after dying, like that one guy in that one movie with stuff I don’t like (I haven’t seen the movie nor care to). Let us have a moment of silence as we mourn for the death of our mutual fish friend…………………………………………… That’s good enough. Anyways I am going to talk about the somberness of dying… in the form of Donkey Kong 64! Yippy skippy.

Basically the game starts with a crocodile as big as all existent matter in his water riding space ship trying to hurt some monkeys. His diabolical plan is to steal all the bananas (I will mention this game is fiction so don’t worry if you’re one of those banana fanatics). He is all scary and talks like Sauron, you know, like with a lisp. So he is all like sending his mafia of incompetent lizard men to go whack the primates and steal the golden bananas. (Golden bananas have been extinct since the civil war era so don’t try looking for them). He rounds up four out of the five monkey war lords and takes their fabled fruits back to his domain of domainliness (which ran out of power after hitting a rock ( like the titanic (except this is a true story))).

Of the four beasts he catches there is Diddy the lead singer of Metallica, Lanky the guy from Sesame Street, Tiny the current president of Belize, and Chunky the quarter back of a football team I made up (the squeeching weasels). The only one not to be captured by the crocodile overlords lizard men mafia is the cunning Donkey Kong who in fact is not a donkey but rather a talking llama with a self confidence issue. So Donkey Kong goes to his angry old neighbour to drink some potions and then goes to some other places. He meets another crocodile who was bad then good and then sad. His name is Klumpsy or clumsy or something oafish. He was thrown in jail for stealing every bear cub. So he asks DK to get him all of them keys to bust him out and go cause a ruckus to which the ape is much obliged. All eight are in eight different zones guarded by the roughest of the italian lizard men syndicate.

First the ape goes to a jungle which has leaves n stuff. He is killing beavers, buying guns, and associating with a guy in a suit who is making a doomsday weapon. After said endeavours he saves Diddy (one of the apish royals) from a bamboo cage. (Fun fact: Pandas eat bamboo probably). So then Diddy and DK is all bustin caps in a bunch o’ bees and eatin all of them red bananas. After all the jungles bananas are seized they are given to a blue hippo and his retarded brother frank who open a big door with a key for clumpsy’s cage. (Game objective: Get the eight keys and kill the crocodile overlord). The door will select DK to go fight the first boss who is an armadillo with rocket launchers and a master of Shakespearean poetry. After vanquishing the fell beast you shall receive first of the five of the eight keys.

Then you shall go to Mexico where the aztecs are and save Lanky and Tiny from the dungeons of Barad-Dur. After feeding the blue hippo and Frank then the big ol’ nasty door will select Diddy to out rock the second boss, a dragon-fly who is actually just a dragon but really is a dragon-fly. Kill it with barrels as the knights of old did and key #2 is yours. This review is getting kind of lengthy. Time to speed things up. You go to a factory and free Chunky and kill a toy for key#3. You go to a water like place and fight a fish for number 4. You go in the woods and kill some dragon-fly thing again for 5. You go in a cold cave and kill some missile launching, fire raining, shockwave dispensing, jet pack fueled, thing for key number six. Then you go to disney world or creepy castle or something rather and fight card board for key number 7. Then you go to the mafia’s syndicate private HQ and all roughs ’em up n stuff for key # 8.

Now with all eight keys, all five apes, lots o’ bananas and a whole lot of fire power you shall return to Klumsby and free him from his prison. Once he is free he thinks he is an air plane so he starts running around in the ocean (I should mention he’s like ten thousand feet tall). He slips and hits the main bad guys ship and makes it less fun. Now you have access to the last boss. Now the Don is our loveably huge croc (King Cruel) or something. He whips out his boxing gloves and punches you all and goes and bites DK’s ear off. The judges tried to stop him but he was relentless. So then Funky (whom I probably mentioned earlier) walks in and shoots him in the head. After that, all the apes go into the ocean and are never seen again.

There are lots of side quests and about a bajillion and some things to do like catch fairies, get money, and do some other meaningful stuff (thumbs up. :c)) If you are afraid of animals this game isn’t for you. It’s quite rare maybe. The game takes roughly three to five minutes if you’re cheating and is probably not a good idea to put in your mouth considering choke hazards. Really, don’t be eating this game, really bad idea.

On a scale from a potato bringing down a space armada to a lonely walrus I would rate this game a solid four wheeling rock titan throwing hand grenades at unsuspecting villagers trying to reach the local market to buy herbs and spices and other fine wares.

Here is a picture of some high resolution game play.

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