[Ph!GR] Metroid: Other M



Sorry, I got a little derpy there.

‘s what happened.

So Todayz (With a “zed” ‘cuz that’s legit(Too legit to quit)) (Double end brackets, cause I’m cool(like that)) *cough* got a little random rabbit trail stuck in my throat there. Today, I will be reviewing some serious Metroid Other M action up in here. And to celebrate my awesome abilities, I’m going to share the entire experience, from beginning to end, because the story is just so amazing you got to share all of it. (There’s some form of sarcasm in there, but I’m too tired to point it out.) The story is lackluster at best and slightly annoying, fun game tho.

The gam (Yes, I mean gam) starts off with Samus killing the Metroid Queen with the help of her best friend “The Baby” Wait, it gets better *cough* and then basically what happens, is that the Metroid Baby and Queen are the last two Metroid’s on earth or in the universe or something like that. A Metroid is basically like this intergalactic space brain that sucks your head, and in Metroid Prime, it just plain ol’ sucks your face. So Shamus is getting her heinie whooped by the Queen (She isn’t a fan of Bohemian Rhapsody,) Come on, you knew there was going to be a Queen joke. Anywho’s. The Metroid Baby, who adopted Samus as its mother, because it’s a retard, decides it’ll be a good idea to give Samus all of its powers and Samus gets like this awesome Hyper Space Rainbow Beam, which she shoots at the Queen. Then everybody dies, the end. Everybody except for Seamus.

So, time passes and Samus wakes up in like a bed, or some kind of flat surface. Then she’s told to go debrief the people that she works for. Samus tell the people that every Metroid ever has been killed for forever. But she makes a point of telling you that there’s nothing left of the Baby, she really doesn’t want you to forget that. Then it’s all good. Samus leaves and she’s flyin’ around space, shootin’ up the clubs and hittin’ up the hippest joints (or hip joints, eh? Eh?) When she hears a distress call, a “Baby’s Cry” as she calls it. Because it has the urgency of a baby crying, her words not mine. And boy are there her words. She sets a course for the spaceship where the Baby’s Cry was heard, this is where you first gain control of our caped crusader. You get to run around, and jump around, and shoot around, and umm… stylishly kill aliens around… yeah, that happens sometimes. So Samus wanders into the crosshairs of some generic futuristic military squad, they have guns, and blue armor, and helmets and stuff. There are like 7 in total and Samus realizes that she knows some of the peeps, and there’s one Adam Malkovich, if I remember his name correctly, he’s like the leader, and Samus used to work for him until he sacrificed his own brother (FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY!!) Which I would be fine with, but women think differently than men.  Samus also knows this one stereotypical African American gentleman, No, not Lee Everett, some other guy. He has a fairly large gun, and he says “yo” sometimes. I can’t remember his name, because the last time I played this game was like a minute ago.  So they decide to gang up, but Adam is pretty suspicious all the time. Then they get into a fight with some kind of purple bug alien, or something, my descriptions are riveting, I know.  This is where you learn that the entire place was a scientific facility but all the scientists are dead and only really mean aliens are left. Then Adam is all like “Hey kids, you gotta go do some things that I want you to do.” So he tells Samus to go and turn some lever on. Unlike other games, where you start off with all your awesome mega powers then lose them, Adam just tells you that you can’t use anything, which is LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME! Whatever, it’s “relevant to the plot”. So Samus does this, on her way she sees this demon-bunny-chicken-type-thing, it’s pretty evil, and really scary. Stay away, children. Samus rattles on about how scary and traumatizing it was, and then she moves on with her life in like a half minute of filler dialogue.

Samus turns on the thing that Adam told her to, then she finds out that one of the generic future soldiers was murdered. That’s kind of where the plot picks up. Samus tries to find out who is murdering all her “friends”, while keeping her cover as a pizza-delivery guy. Seamus decides to call this mysterious killer the “Deleter” Maybe that name is more threatening or less cheesy in Japanese but I can’t take it seriously, especially because I hate Samus Aran.  Samus instantly thinks that Adam is the culprit, because he was all like “Samus, you’re smelly” and then all his friends laughed and gave him high-fives. Then Samus does some more work, and some more people die, she sees the demon-rabbit-chicken-whatever-the-crap again, but its back is split open and she starts crying for whatever reason, maybe not crying but she talks about it for a month. Then Ms. Aran goes about her business, more people get killed and she talks about it some more… more than is needed.

Sometime later Samus meets up with the black-guy, who is apparently named “Anthony” (Thank you Wikipedia!) Anthony tells her that there are some strange happenings, nothing new. Then they fight Ridley, o may gawsh.. o noes, Ridley. Ridley may or may not be the fourth coolest character in all of video games. Ridley is also that little demon-chicken-whatever that had it’s back ripped open, that was his larva stage in development, (Ridley and I have a lot in common) Ridley knocks Anthony into some lava and turns Samus into a little girl. That actually happens, apparently because Ridley inspires nothing but fear in her. Then you fight Ridley, he’s really hard, and he has plasma fireballs. You kill Ridley, three guesses as to what Samus does then… Does she move on with her life? No. Does she eat a hamburger? Nope. Does she bake a cake? You’re really bad at this. She talks about her feelings, and how she’s afraid of Ridley.

Samus goes on and all but two people are left alive, Adam, and some other guy, I think his name is “Maurice” that’s a pretty cool name, Maurice. Yeah, it’s all tough ‘n’ stuff. So Samus obviously thinks the Deleter is Adam, cause she’s a jerk. It is revealed that the Deleter is in fact, Samus… or Maurice, that’s a way less stupid plot twist. Wait, here’s the kicker, Adam sacrifices himself to save Samus, from Dun Dun DUUUUUNNNN! A METRIODZZZZ! Yeah… a Metroid, turns out that the space ship that the team was on, was actually researching how to clone Metroid’s, which is pretty dangerous.  Anyways, Samus goes about the usual business, fights the ugliest boss in history. Then goes and turns on a switch for some reason. Then she heads to “SECTOR ZERO” That name sounds cool, there she fights the Metroid Queen’s clone. Then she wins! I totally forgot a major plot point, but hey! No Spoilers! Anyways, Anthony isn’t dead, there’s a flashback and he gets away from an untimely demise in some lava by freezing a lava monster and going inside its mouth. SENSE IS NOT NEEDED! That’s not the plot point but it’s relevant to the end. Anyways Samus gets sent back to the headquarters of the humans. And gives a thumbs up to Adam’s ghost. Yep, that’s how it ends. THUMBS UP!!! Actually, it ends with Anthony showing up and giving Adam’s ghost a thumbs down. YEAH!!! DISRESPECT OF THE DEAD!!!


Watch that crap. This is actually in the game… how the turd is you supposed to take that seriously? I don’t know, and I don’t care. You might think that it doesn’t make sense out of context, but it doesn’t make sense in context either.

If you’ve been paying any attention thus far, you should have noticed that I really dislike Samus and all her talking. I guess that it’s supposed to be like poetic or something, but something went horribly wrong in the translation, nothing sounds wrong, it just doesn’t sound good. Plus she kind of rambles, she’s kind of a douche, and she’s kind of a whiny baby, as that cut scene demonstrates perfectly, literally watch that, and you’ve seen the best part of the game.

I should talk about the gameplay, it’s pretty rad, there’s none of that shaking a stick crap that the Wii likes to force down our throats, but there are some point at the screen parts, when you want to shoot a missile or scan your surroundings you just point the Wii Remote skyward! Or TVward! Aside from that all the other action takes place with the Wii remote angled sideways, so the player can press the 1 and 2 buttons with ease. Read that sentence in a flight-attendant voice for best effect.

The gameplay is solid, and the story is mediocre, the deliverance of said story is lack-luster at best.

If you have a choice between Skyrim, getting stabbed in the eyes or this game, pick Skyrim, then pick this game… what kind of moron would pick getting stabbed in the eyes over this game?

On a scale from the majority of internet users to people with brains. MOM gets an over use of the English language.

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