[Ph!GR] Starfox Adventures

‘Sup? You guys digging all this Sunday action? Yeah, course you are, who isn’t? Nerds, that’s who. What’s on the todo list for today? Sleep until 5 pm: Check, Eat nothing but Kit-Kats and Pepsi: Check, review a game: Not check. There we go, that’s what’s happnin’

So, today, it’sa gonna be Stairfax Temperatures. Better known as StarFox Adventures. StarFox Adventures, is essentially Legend of Zelda, but with voice “acting” and a bipedal fox that runs around and uses a staff that shoots fireballs.

So, to start this review off, let me give you a history lesson. StairFax Temperatures was created when Shigeru Miyamoto was wandering around Great Britain looking for a fight, when he stumbled upon Rareware offices. He observed them demonstrate a game, simply titled “Dinosaur Planet”, he saw what they were going for “You guys got a fox, I got a fox. We take ‘em, put ‘em together. Boom! StarFox Adventures.” Those were his exact words. Dinosaur Planet was slated for a sexty-fore release, but Shigeru was all like “Nah, man, that’s not cool. We got this new thing comin’ out, the GameCube, it’s gonna be bigger than the Wii. Tell your friends.” That gave them time to tweak the game mechanics and the story to allow Andross in, kinda.

That’s the next part. The Story (Now featuring as much of the story as I remember, including the ending) The story is as simple as it gets. There’s this planet in one of the dark corners of the Lylat system which has been torn apart by a lacking of mystical “Krazoa Spirits” Which are like glowy squid ghosts. Somebody paid the StarFox team like a gabajillion dollars to go fix that crap, which doesn’t make any sense seeing as how it’s way out in the middle of nowhere. So The StarFox team is sent to investigate, they send down their main guy Fox. The guy is really full of himself. So Fox wanders around the town looking to start some trouble when he meets a little Triceratops baby, named Tricky. But it talks. And never. Ever. Shuts. The. Crap. Up. Leaving it alone will cause it to start saying “Dum-dee-dum” At least thirty times a minute. So this little annoyance (Yes he IS worse than Navi) follows you around and serves no great purpose other than the fact that you need him to accomplish some of the simplest tasks. Once you got yourself this abomination, you get to venture into the space, and then onto a different part of the planet.

Once you fight the boss or race a bunch of dinosaurs that can ride snowmobiles around a pile of gold in the case of the second levels “boss” you get a Krazoa Spirit which makes Fox’s eyes glow all purple and stuff. Then you go to the castle and return the spirit, which doesn’t actually bring the other parts of the planet back, but they say it helps, so who am I to argue. Once you get all of them back, you save Krystal, Nintendo was really appealing to the “furrier” part of the audience. She’s basically as over sexualized as a Mortal Wombat character, but more foxy (literally). You play as ol’ Mcblue (she’s a blue fox) for the opening scene, and she totally sucks. I digress. You get to fight General Scales as her, and fight is a very loose term in this case, he kind of grabs her during a cut scene and throws her on the back of a pterodactyl. He’s the bad guy. But what’s this. He suddenly drops off the map only to never be seen again? Well, slap me upside the head and call me your Uncle. I genuinely was hoping for some kind of final confrontation. Instead I get to jump into my arwing, fly into space and fight Androols. It’s basically the same battle as StarFox 64 but you can’t hurt him without the use of bombs. Well where do you get bombs? Falco shows up at the last second and drops some bombs. Maybe I should have mentioned that he left the StarFox crew to put on a leather jacket. But he comes back and it’s AWESOME! Ssh, inside voices. So you get Andross dead, and Fox and Krystal make out or whatever. And then it’s over! YEAH!

It’s final opinion time.

So the game is fine, it plays decently and it’s got an interesting story. Even if the best voice actor is the Shopkeeper. The only real flaw is the “Stream-lined inventory”. If you read my Fable 3 review you know how I feel about unconventional menus. This menu uses the C-Stick! YEAH! The C-Stick is essentially the right analog stick for you new age gamers, or the mouse for you PC snobs out there. So instead of looking around to survey the situation you get to feed mushrooms to that RETARD! of a companion. It’s disappointing because, it was like the first adventure game on the GC and the first game where they gave you a second stick to use in a 3D space, and what do they do? Botch it up. Other than the lack of talent and camera movement it’s a solid game.

StairFax Temperatures gets a nine out of the colour purple.

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