WHAT’S UP FOOLS?!! Sorry for all the shouting, but I stubbed my toe on a rock and it really hurt. So to celebrate my reinstating as that guy who everybody looks at and wonders if he may or may not be on hallucinogens, or the nerd that has a level 100 Zekrom (that’s a Pocket mansters) I decided to look up how to write a good game review, after looking at the 2 top results in Google, I decided I would take their advice. So what game will I review today, unless you don’t know what a title is, then I shall alleviate you of your rather uncouth lack of modern knowledge. It’s Fable 3 yeah, yay, ADVENTURE! Sorry, stubbed my toe again. So, what’s the first thing those nerds want me to do?
“Play the game” … Really? No that’s cool, I never played dis game, why would I want to review it if I had played it? Nah, das fine.
NAUMBER TOO! (Sorry)
“Include the following details in your video game review: 1) the platform used (ex: Xbox, Xbox360, PS2, PS3 or Wii); 2) the name or title of the game (ex: Assassin’s Creed, Halo or Gears of War); 3) the manufacturer or publisher of the game (ex: Sony, Microsoft or Sega); 4) the version, if the game has been updated several times (ex: Halo, Halo2 or Halo3).” Ok, yeah, It was Fable 3, fable is an Xbox exclusive, simple enough. The name? I don’t remember I think it was Fab-ulous! It was manufactured by Lionhead, they do some other games, Fable 1, Fable 2, that’s really it. Yeah, ok, I got this.
The third thing they think that I thould do.
“Give a brief overview or synopsis of the game. Explain the game’s format: Is it a war game, an alien vs. human game, a basketball game or a car-racing game? Briefly recap the plot without giving away any surprises at the end. You want the readers to know enough about the game to get curious about it, but you shouldn’t spoil their fun.” So, Fable 3 is an ADVENTURE! game, and it takes place in the kingdom of Albion, where everybody is really stupid. You play as the Hero, he’s never named but he gets close to it. Sometimes you’re a girl, but that’s only if you selected that option. So anyways, you’re the little sibling of the current kind of Albion, some tool named Logan. No one really likes Logan, probably because his name is Logan. So you take your friends, some guy with a moustache, a dog and John Cleese (yeah, he’s in this game.) and then you go out and gather forces to launch a rebellion on your tool bag of a broseph. Once you do that the game is only like half over, now you get to become either less of a douchebag, the same of a douchebag, or even more of a douchebag. But that doesn’t really matter… lol … it totally does, it’s imperative to Albion’s survival.
Hash tag four!
“Mention in your review if the game is single- or multi-player.” It’s mostly single-player, but if you want to exploit your friends who have never played this game, there’s a co-op option which is kind of sort of there. Yeah.
DA FIFT ONEZ!
“Rate the difficulty level. Is the game too easy or too difficult? Can a player change the difficulty level based on his skills or comfort level?” The game seems like it would be tricky because they took out the health bar and things get all stupid when you’re about to die, but once you do… You get back up and then keep on fighting. All the time! It’s not very hard, babies could do it. But don’t let a baby play this game, it’s rated M, that means Mature. And if that was true, then I wouldn’t be allowed to play this game.
I’m getting tired of this. Six.
“Mention if the game is available to be played live with other players, or just on your own. For example, Halo can be played on Xbox live or by yourself. (This is also called “Campaign.”)” I already mentioned that, but you can also just jump into other “heroes” games when nature calls.
Seven, it’s the seventh thing I should do, yay… woo.
“Mention any age restrictions, or if the game is rated. Some parents who are looking for games for their kids want to know if what they are buying is age-appropriate.” I did this already.
“Mention the length of the game. Is the game too short or does it seem to drag on for too long before you can reach the next level or the end?” I guess if you’re looking for the most bang for your buck, this game is only like 20 dollars by now, so it’s worth it. The actual main story should only take like, ten hours, but there are a lot of side-quests, making friends literally forces you into some kind of fetch quest.
“Mention if the game allows you to save where you left off, or if you have to start from scratch every time you have to leave the game.” When did they write this, like in the nineties when all they had were arcade cabinets? Or before anybody had a memory card for their GameCube? Whatever, it auto-saves like every ten seconds, don’t worry about it.
Half of twenty.
“Tell if you can replay the game over and over again without getting too bored or too tired of it. Will the game allow you to switch the challenges in order to come to a different conclusion?” Kind of, you can either have a good ending or a bad ending, they’re kind of the same, but it’s all about how your hero looks. There are 16 things to include in writing a review, who the crap knew? I didn’t.
“Mention in your review how comfortable you are navigating within the game. For example, are areas so dark that you cannot see where you are going? How difficult is it to use the gaming remote controls to switch gears or ammunitions in a war game? How easy is it to control a car for racing?” THE FREAKING PAUSE MENU! GAWSH MOTHER CRAPPIN’ DAGGIT! I HAVE BEEN WAITING THIS ENTIRE TIME TO MENTION THIS CRAP! WHO AT LIONHEAD SAID “Hey, Let’s give them a pause menu, but get rid of the menu.”? I’M LOOKIN’ AT YOU MOLYNEUX! Instead of the pause menu sending you to a pause menu, like it should, it sends you to the Sanctuary, where John Cleese reminds you that the Sanctuary shop (where you can buy in game content from the outernets) has some “new bits and bobs” every time that you want to access your armory. In this game some genius decided to get rid of all the menus, or most of them. Which is really a shame, cause I enjoy the rare occurrences where you would get a menu, the menu looks really nice, and brings a new yet old touch to something otherwise genuinely enjoyable.
Also the main bad guy is darkness, so get from that what you will.
“Describe the overall appearance or graphics of the game. Are the images lifelike? Is the computer animation up to par, or is it unrealistic or too cartoony? Are the colors used in high resolution or high definition?” The game is really colourful, and full of colours. I did however notice that some of the NPC’s had some kind of weird choppy frame rate, it won’t ruin it for you, but it’s just sort of there.
“Describe the sound. Do the sound effects seem real? Are the conversations or voices crystal clear? Can you enjoy the audio in surround sound and high definition?” I don’t really know what to say about this. The music and sound is really good, and the characters got some pristine sound, except for one of the main characters “Reaver” It sounds like he’s in a tunnel and they didn’t get Stephen Fry into their studio to record, like he just kind of did it at home. Maybe it’s just how his voice sounds or I’m stupid, but that’s kind of it.
Hey, I’m almost done.
“Describe any story sequences in the game. Some games have stories that play out before you can go to the next sequence, adding flavor and interest to the game. It also allows you also a bit of a rest before the next challenge. Are these sequences brief or too long? Are they boring, or do they engage your interest in playing on?” The cut-scenes honestly merge perfectly into gameplay, probably because most of the cut-scenes are actually just the hero walking into a room and then people around him/her start talking.
Fifteen, or whatever.
“Review the instructions or manuals that came with the game. Tell if they are helpful or something any gamer can do without. With some games, there is a separate gaming manual you have to buy to help you pass other challenges. Mention if such a manual is needed for the game you are reviewing, or if there is no need to get one.” The controls are explained in the game, and they’re not super complicated, I think you can manage without.
THE FINAL STEP THAT I HAVE TO DO!
I bet you are as excited as I am right now.
“Give an overall rating and summary. You may want to rate the game from 1 to 5 stars. Summarize your overall experience and make your final recommendation to the readers: Should they go out and buy the game or pass on it?” So, my first conventional rating system eh? Well then, these losers over there that run that website must be laughing their rich heads off. Fine, 2 out of 5. 2 and a half today, cause I’m feeling classy. I found the game sort of enjoyable, they added some things that they didn’t need *cough* pause “menu” *cough*, and the leveling up system was pretty tedious near the end, because they make you run up and down a road that has some chests on it, and by the time you can reach the end, it’s like a half-mile trek. Other than the minor stuff like that, it’s a decent game. I can’t really give a recommendation because Fable is either something that you love or hate.
That’s it? Can I leave now? You know if doing homework was like this, I would be a grade A student.