[Ph!GR] Mass Effect Three

What goes on Baconites? I decided to come out of retirement or laziness and right another game review, yeah I used the wrong spelling, wutyoogoindo? Nuffin, that’s the what. But what game is it going to be? Well it’s gonna be an old game I can tell you that much, it’s probably going to be older than some children that can talk. And it may or may not be Mass Effect 3. I don’t know how many 1 month old babies can talk, but if you do, e-mail me sometime, I’ve always wanted to see that. So anyways, now that I’m talking about this game, I figure it’s a good time to mention that the Mass Effect series is pretty rad and only really cool people get to play it so if you’re cool then go out and play some ME. But I digress, let’s begin.

Mass Effect 3 is the third game in the Mass Effect series (hurr der) which has been described as a “space opera” by many less respected gamers. So anyways, if you haven’t played the first two games then what you doin’ ‘round here mang? Getouttaheare. No seriously, Mass Effect requires the player to play all three of them, that’s how it goes. And if you didn’t play the first two then good luck understanding everything I say.

So Mass Effect 3 picks up 6 months after ME2 and Shepard (the man/woman hybrid that you play as maybe) is living in some kind of military base after his/her exploits with Cerberus. ( you still following me? It gets more confusing) When suddenly a wild member from the cast of Jersey Shore appears and claims that his biceps need to be tanned more often and that Shepard needs to talk to THE ARBITOR! Or some guy with the same voice actor. So Anderson (who is the formerly mentioned pincer mouthed alien) is all like “Yo Shep, you gotsta get all ‘dem Reapers dead.” Or something less racist. Reapers are like galactic harvesters, but not like vegetable farmers but life farmers. They come around every 50,000 years and ruin all the parties with their recluse ways of picking up chicks, and then all the jocks and cheerleaders get mad and throw them into the pool or whatever. So ol’ Sheppy goes to Mars and does some stuff. There may or may not have been an opening sequence back on Earth where all the Reapers show up and kill a single child that makes Shepard cry ‘n’ stuff.

The game received some crap for it’s ending, which most claimed was lackluster at best, and there’s a joke going around that EA only sold like 30% of the game or whatever. I don’t think it is so, while the ending wasn’t as epic as the previous freegin’ games were building up to. ME was one of the greatest franchises around and then ME3 comes around and says, “Hey, you are no.” which is saddening, but hey Garrus. That makes it all better right? Garrus. Yeah, Garrus. I was actually making a point here before I got distracted by Garrus, yeah, Garrus. Wait no. Umm. I actually found the ending was fine, but not satisfying in the sense that I wanted. Plus all of your choices up until that moment go out the window with a fart noise. Pbbth, like that.

ME3 had some pretty cool mechanics like the new-fangled energy sword thing that comes out of Shepard’s wrist, the ability to equip any type of weapon with any class, and Garrus’s facial scars. It might be apparent that I enjoy Garrus, well yeah kinda, as soon as he joined my squad in all 3 games, he would never leave. Why? Because he’s. Just. That. Awesome. If I was a girl I would have a crush on that guy, even if he is like a bird-lizard type thingy. But I played as a girl, so that solved half my problems. I’m getting off the subject. ME3 also has plenty of space, and shiny lights, almost too many shiny lights. Like way too many shiny lights, it almost hurts how many shiny lights there are, you know what? I’m pretty sure it’s clear I’m not a big fan of shiny lights.

I am, however, a fan of the multiplayer, which was accepted with much whining and complaining from stupid people. The multiplayer was kind of “necessary” for the main plot, but again, fart noise. What it did was raise your “Galactic Readiness” in the main story for some reason. But I think they could have just thrown that out the window with a fart noise. The multiplayer is cool because you get to play as a Turian (See bird-lizard type thingy) but it’s not cool because you don’t really get a say in what powers you want for your character. You’re limited to 3 powers, which typically consist of 1 defensive and 2 offensive power. And Turians got the crappy powers.

Everybody’s playing ME3 so what you doing sitting at my computer typing this? It’s also better with Kinect for whatever reason. I say go out and buy it, and then once you fight Marauder Shields turn it off, and enjoy playing a good game. Also, if that doesn’t sell it, you get to fight a reaper single-handidly and then things get all slow-motion and scary and edge-of-your-seat-action. I give ME3 an A+ out of 5.

Come on, he’s sexy!

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