[Ph!GR] Donkey Kong Country Returns

I really hate you Jimmy! This is why I’m gonna fire your sorry excuse for an assistant and hire someone slightly more competent and various profanities!

Wait… we’re rolling? As in right now? And the entire Tri-State area just heard me? Please disregard all the words you just saw me type in the previous paragraph. *cough* Mico here with another “Phantastic! Game Review” and I’m here to talk about some kind of thing I spent time enjoying. This day it’s Donkey Kong Country Returns, and this’ll be just a small taste of what’s to come once I actually drop some of the cashes into this fine treasure. So whenever Boxing Day was me and Calen, my deep-voiced companion, took in some DKCR and we sucked. Well, I sucked, Calen was half decent. I can’t really explain what happened in the span of however long I’ll make this series of words, but I’ll try. The game started off with tasking Donkey Kong and either his retarded brother, or his retarded cousin, or his retarded friend to track down all dem bananas! Their extensive collection of novelty banana phones and banana flavoured medicine had been stolen by none other than some giraffes and elephants, being mind-controlled by tiki torches that came down from Mount Doom. So anyways, our adventure started by fighting some parrots, I simply tried jumping on the beak, which wasn’t a good idea because touching anywhere of these killer birds except for their torso is a bad idea and causes many boo-boos. Calen made a decent job of brutally murdering anything he landed on; I just wasted all our balloons.

Donkey Kong Country is a hard game, I know it, you know it, and Nintendo knows it. It starts off hard and ends even harder, not good for the little tykes. Unless you want them to grow up a failure, then this game is perfect! This game is so hard that you can purchase lives, it’s totally useless in any other game, but in DKCR you’re gonna need ‘em. I probably started crying inside a little every time someone else in the room would laugh at one of my many failures, and in my defense they probably couldn’t have done much better. I know it sounds like I’m bragging, but it’s true.

If you people can handle violent mood swings and people laughing at you, pick this game up. If you don’t want to experience all the comedic joys of playing this game with another person but still want to enjoy all the non-comedic un-joys of playing by yourself, then don’t buy this. It’s no fun going solo, that is true in almost any case.

On a scale from Justin Bieber to Olan Rogers DKCR gets an emotional scarring.

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