[Because I forgot to do this yesterday] Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2


You smell dat? Smells like Hypocrisy.

Let me just get this out of the way. Yes, I like Black Ops 2, I think it’s pretty fun and I definitely jumped the chump on that one. So, I’m here to say that I’m sorry and explain why I think this game is up to snuff.

I’m good at it.

No seriously. I’m good at a Call of Duty game. That means nothing to you. Let me tell you what my average Kill to Death ratio was in Modern Warfare 3: 2 kills for every 10 deaths. I’m being honest; I am that terrible at that game. But Blops 2? Oh man, I got a kill streak one time.

Since the game is separated into three different sections I’ve decided to review it in three different sections. Campaign, Multiplayer and Zombies.

Starting off with what some people bought this game for.

The story takes place in the year 2025, or is it 1979? Nope. It’s definitely 2025. No no. 1979 is when it tak- nope 2025. Ok, now it’s back to 1979. Why’zat? Ok, I get it now. You play as Alex Mason (you know, the guy from Blops 1.) and his son David Mason. Separated by 46 years. How old is David? No seriously, he looks to be about ten during the eighties but looks twenty-ish during the twenty-ishes. Why’zat? The story is inconsistent. But it’s not that terrible. So what the bad guy is doing is never fully explained and what is explained answers next to nothing and maybe everything that happens is just an excuse for the game to take you to the next cool set piece and sure it’s cheesy as One Direction trying to be romantic but it’s not a terrible story.

So here’s how it goes down. There’s this terrorist named Raul Menendez (I would have been fine with Mendez but I guess Treyarch wanted to see how many extra syllables they could squeeze out of that one.) Raul Menendez (which is retarded to type. And to say.) Raul Menendez leads a terrorist group called the… called the… acronym. They never tell you what it stands for so I’m not even going to bother spelling it or remembering what it was. Raul Menendez’s goal is to start another Cold War. Guess it’s too hot for him. OH BAM! QUICK WIT! Raul uses the support of people on YouTube to accomplish his goal. No seriously, he has a billion hits on YouTube and everypony’s alla “Dis dude be tight yo!” Then he launches world domination. David’s job in the beginning is to interview Woods. Who used to hang out with his papa back in the seventies.  Woods tells David about how they met Menendez and how they hate him. No, it’s ok for them to hate him, he tried to kill them and he’s the leader of a cartel. (Google it, I don’t have time to explain.) So David learns about how much of a dingus Menendez is and decides to go after him. But Menendez is a smart guy and always has the upper hand up until the last minute of the game, you know, for pacing. But I honestly don’t care about that because Menendez is probably the most likable character in this game. Yeah sure, everybody else is just a brick made of meat with a personality as enjoyable as cardboard. Cardboard that just killed your dog. Cardboard that just killed your dog then stole your girlfriend. Cardboard that just killed your dog then stole your girlfriend and set you on fire. Cardboard that just killed your dog then stole your girlfriend and set you on fire all while saying “c***suckers” over and over and over and over again. That being said the campaign is pretty cool. It seems like it was a big focus this time around, there are some cool levels like one where you’re sent to some kind of floating city and you have to be all discreet. For like ten seconds. But then you go into a club which is pretty cool. There is a downside to the campaign being a big focus and that’s the Spec Ops missions where you take on an RTS control scheme to boss around a team of soldiers that can’t keep themselves alive for longer than thirty seconds. There was one mission where I was supposed to plant something and then defend it while it was unlocking a door. Seems simple enough, unfortunately, my team was too busy picking their noses to stay alive and ended up dying. Leaving me in control of one poor sap, luckily he had a light machine gun and at least ten grenades, and all my enemies were about as smart as Derpy Hooves.

One cool thing about the campaign is the option to customize your load out before you start the mission. So you can play the mission any way you want… Relatively speaking.  You know, because the game expects you to shoot through anything standing at least twenty metres out of your way. So trying to be stealthy wouldn’t work for longer than thirty and a half seconds.

What most people bought the game for.

The multiplayer takes place during the same time period as the main campaign and has you join the teams of really any group. Some that aren’t even mentioned in the actual storyline. The way multiplayer works is that you jump into one of many different game modes and then shoot people then you level up and when you level up you gain new abilities and your overarching goal is to reach the maximum level so you can start the whole process over, but now people can recognize you as the certified cool guy you must be to accomplish the same menial task fifteen times. Yeah, I’m sure it’s rewarding. I haven’t gotten far enough to actually reap the benefits in any Call of Duty game, because I’m generally terrible at them. Maybe someday I’ll be a Major League Gamer, but until that day I’ll have to settle with not being able to purchase alcoholic beverages while playing video games.

The multiplayer takes a cool approach to how you build your classes. You can only pick ten things to put into your class, like weapons, perks and what have you. So you’ll have to decide what you want to sacrifice to get the perks and weapons you want. Which makes the game a lot cooler.

What I (mostly) bought it for.


Z-Z-ZAMBYS?! I’m afraid of zambys.

Zombies is actually pretty neat. I sat down with the tall guy in the Empire and the other guy to play some Zombies the other day, and I for one was impressed. How you do the zambys in the Blops 2 operates similar to the Blops 1, you pick a map and then hold out for as long as you can against increasingly difficult waves of the little shnerps with increasingly awesome weapons. Blops 2 has the edition of TranZit mode. What you do in Transsexual Pimple is traverse every map by using a bus driven by a creepy robot that gets mad at you when you shoot him in the back. Ok, I would get mad too. Who wouldn’t? And now, my very first experience with the TranZits. A dramatic reading.

“Taran. Get in the bus.” I shouted at the top of my lungs. But alas, my tall friend would not be joining me on my adventure. He was taken down by the creatures of the night. I hung my head in sorrow as the bus pulled out of the station. I walked to the back of the bus, remembering all the good times we had shared. I thought about that time we rolled in the dough and played Halo as I looked out the window. Wait. Are those zombies running after the bus? NOPE, NOPE, SO MUCH NOPE!

The end.

All in all, it’s a fun game mode that initially started off as just a cute little distraction five years ago and has become the waste of many Treyarch resources.

Speaking of wasted resources…

The post credits scene. (Which is totally cannon, by the way.) The post credits scene shows elderly Woods and Menendez hanging out talking about how awesome they are or whatever. (I had figured this was a set up to a new zombies map, because I couldn’t access one of the maps yet. So I wanted to see where this would go.) Woods and Menendez keep going on until you hear a noise off camera. (Sweet, zambys.) Nope, it’s just two members of Avenged Sevenfold. (Okay, maybe they’ll join Woods and Menendez as they shoot zombies, whatever it’s not how I thought it would go.) But nope, they just tell them to get on stage and then they play a song. There was so much potential there. They even had this awesome joke where Woods got out of his wheelchair and announced that he was just lazy.

Avenged Sevenfold, you ruined an awesome set up. And my dreams. Screw you Avenged Sevenfold, screw you.


The verdict.

I like Black Ops 2. Maybe I shouldn’t judge books by their covers… Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Twilight to read.



Stephanie Meyer.

Wat R U doing?

Stephanie Meyer.


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