[Ph!GR] F-Zero GX


Sonic’s got nothing on Captain Falcon.

I guess you want me to do an intro, right? Yeah, well tough.

F-Zero GX is a game made by Nintendo. Nintendo is famous for making some other games that no one has really heard of. Apparently Nintendo also made a few consoles. But since nobody knows what a Nintendo is, I’m just wasting my time here.

So Nintendo is too busy making games like “Mario” (whatever a Mario is) and “Pokémon” to realize that their extremely small fanbase wants them to make games that don’t require them to beat the dead horse so much that it’s literally rotted away and now they’re just hitting the fertile ground with a stick.

What I’m saying is.

Stop making this

Super Mario Galaxy

Start making this.


I don’t know how many people have ever played an F-Zero game, but if you have then you probably feel me when I say that we need an F-Zero game on the Wii U. So, you know. There isn’t one, so I guess I’ll talk about the most recent one that was for the Gamecube. Why’d they skip the Wii? Because the Nintendo is the stupid.

So anyways, the story goes like this.

Captain Falcon goes on all sorts of adventures.

Yeah, I guess there’s a story or whatever.

Basically, Captain Falcon prepares for the Grand Prix while everybody and their mother tries to kill him, or hinder him from entering the competition, most of the time he just kills them first. If you can’t beat ‘em, kill ‘em.

So that’s the story. What’s the gameplay like.

Have you ever played a racing game? You know, like one where you go 200 kilometers an hour? Yeah, just multiply that by ten and then add going upside down, aliens and killing the other drivers to that list and you have yourself some F-Zero.

It’s kind of hard to describe what’s so great about F-Zero. It’s all about going fast and being able to control yourself, lest you have 29 other drivers ram you off the road and then you die… Horribly.

I can tell you what isn’t so great about the game that doesn’t derive the whole experience at all. First off, the voice acting is really bad, the race announcer is by far the best actor in the game, and all he says is “go” and “final lap” and announce what place you got. If you win a Grand Prix you get the weakest, awkwardest and just plain weirdest interview ever with some guy who has green hair and head gear. Ok, I guess that they have to hire people with disabilities to appease the futuristic human rights people or whatever, but this guy is just straight up awful. Also the main story has a difficulty curve akin to a cliff face. A 93 degree cliff face. That’s also on fire. The second mission is pretty easy, it took me two tries, which is fair. But I lost track of how many times I had to replay the third mission. And the fourth mission made me commit suicide. I came out of the grave to tell y’all this. And that’s what’s wrong with this game.

So, I guess if I had to summarize this game in one word it would be “Screw counting how many words I’m using, Dis game is friggin’ dope.”

I couldn’t tell you why I’m reviewing this because this game is about as rare as a chimera, and I consider myself very lucky for having it… or having bought it off the internet…

On a scale from one to ten, F-Zero gets a zero… AN F-ZERO!


That’s topical… or is it tropical?

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